1. The Parrot and the Robber:
A robber broke into a house and saw a parrot in a cage. The robber asked the parrot if there was anything valuable in the house. The parrot responded, “Nope, just me and the T.V.” The robber was shocked and asked the parrot if it could talk. The parrot replied, “Yes, and I’m a witness too!”
2. The Talking Dog:
A man walks into a bar with his dog and tells the bartender, “I bet you $100 my dog can talk.” The bartender agrees, and the man turns to his dog and asks, “What’s on top of a house?” The dog barks, “Roof, roof!” The bartender isn’t impressed and says the dog just barked. The man tries again and asks his dog, “Who is the greatest baseball player of all time?” The dog barks, “Ruth, Ruth!” The bartender gets angry and kicks the man and his dog out of the bar. As they walk away, the dog turns to the man and says, “Maybe I should have said DiMaggio.”
3. The Blonde and the Banana:
A blonde walks into a grocery store and sees a banana. She asks the clerk, “How much for the banana?” The clerk replies, “25 cents.” The blonde says, “Okay, I’ll take it.” The clerk asks, “Do you want the whole banana or just half?” The blonde responds, “Just half; I’m on a diet.”
4. The Lawyer and the Farmer:
A farmer had a problem with his fence and decided to ask a lawyer for advice. The lawyer told the farmer that he could sue his neighbor for the cost of repairing the fence. The farmer said he didn’t want to sue his neighbor; he just wanted to fix the fence. The lawyer said, “Okay, but I have a legal strategy to win the case for you.” The farmer agreed, and the lawyer presented his strategy in court. The judge listened and then ruled in favor of the farmer’s neighbor. The farmer asked the lawyer what went wrong, and the lawyer said, “I don’t know, but it sounded good to me.”
5. The Singing Frog:
A man walks into a pet store and sees a frog. He asks the store owner, “Does this frog sing?” The store owner says, “Yes, but he only sings when you tickle him.” The man buys the frog and takes him home. He tries to tickle the frog, but nothing happens. Frustrated, the man puts the frog in the microwave and says, “Sing, damn it, sing!” The frog looks up and says, “I may be a frog, but I’m not stupid. If you want me to sing, you should have tickled me!”
6. The Smart Parrot:
A woman walks into a pet store and sees a parrot. She asks the store owner, “Does this parrot talk?” The store owner replies, “Yes, he’s brilliant. He can even solve math problems.” The woman is impressed and decides to buy the parrot. She takes him home and asks, “What’s two plus two?” The parrot thinks for a moment and responds, “Four.” The woman is amazed and asks, “What’s six minus three?” The parrot thinks again and says, “Three.” The woman then asks, “What’s the square root of 81?” The parrot looks at her and says, “Are you kidding me? Do I look like a calculator to you?”
7. The Lost Wallet:
A man lost his wallet in the street and was searching for it when a police officer walked by. The officer asked, “What’s wrong?” The man said, “I lost my wallet.” The officer asked, “Where did you lose it?” The man replied, “I think I lost it over there.” The officer asked, “Why are you looking for it here?” The man said, “Because the light is better here.”
8. The Perfect Husband:
A woman tells her friend, “I found the perfect husband. He’s intelligent, good-looking, and has a great sense of humor.” Her friend asks, “What’s his name?” The woman responds, “I don’t know. I haven’t found him yet.”
9. The Talking Horse:
A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter. The man asks the bartender, “Why is there a horse here?” The bartender replies, “He can talk.” The man doesn’t believe him and says, “Prove it.” The bartender asks the horse, “What’s on top of a house?” The horse responds, “Roof.” The man is amazed and asks, “What’s the fastest animal in the world?” The horse answers, “Cheetah.” The man is impressed and asks, “Can you tell me something that’s not common knowledge?” The horse looks at him and says, “Sure, the square root of 2,799 is 52.92575788.” The man is stunned and asks, “How did you know that?” The horse replies, “I’m a mathematician too.”
10. The Clever Lawyer:
A lawyer was defending a man accused of burglary. The evidence against the man was overwhelming, and the lawyer knew he would lose the case. In his closing statement, the lawyer told the jury, “If you find my client guilty, I ask you to give him a lenient sentence. After all, if he’s in jail, he won’t be able to break into any more houses.” The jury found the man guilty and gave him a lenient sentence.
11. The Procrastinator:
A man was always putting off his work until the last minute. One day, his boss asked him why he was always procrastinating. The man replied, “I work better under pressure.” His boss responded, “You’re not a diamond but a person. Get to work.”
12. The Talking Dog:
A man walks into a bar with his dog and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the dog and asks, “Does your dog talk?” The man replies, “Yes, he’s brilliant.” The bartender asks, “What’s your favorite book?” The dog barks, “The Great Gatsby.” The bartender is amazed and asks, “What’s your favorite movie?” The dog barks, “Casablanca.” The bartender is impressed and asks, “Who’s the best baseball player of all time?” The dog barks, “Mickey Mantle.” The bartender is stunned and asks, “How did you get such a smart dog?” The man replies, “I got him from the pound. He was the only one who could read.”
13. The High-Jump Competition:
Two friends were competing in a high jump competition. The first friend jumps over the bar easily, but the second friend struggles to jump over it. The first friend says, “Don’t worry, it’s not the height of the jump that matters; it’s the spirit of the jump.” The second friend responds, “That’s easy for you to say; you’re a foot taller than me.”
14. The Pet Fish:
A woman enters a pet store and sees a fish swimming in a bowl. She asks the store owner, “What kind of fish is that?” The store owner replies, “It’s a magic fish. You can make a wish, and it will come true.” The woman is skeptical but decides to try it. She makes a wish, and the fish starts swimming in circles. The woman is amazed and asks the fish, “Can you make me rich?” The fish responds, “Sorry, I’m just a fish. I can’t do that.” The woman asks, “Well, can you make me beautiful?” The fish responds, “Sorry, I’m just a fish. I can’t do that either.” The woman is disappointed and asks, “Well, what can you do?” The fish responds, “I can grant wishes, not miracles.”
15. The Magic Mirror:
A man buys a magic mirror that will grant him one wish. He looks into the mirror and says, “I wish to be rich and famous.” Suddenly, he disappears and reappears on a red carpet surrounded by paparazzi. He’s a celebrity, and he’s never been happier. The next day, he looks into the mirror again and says, “I wish to be happy.” The mirror responds, “Sorry, you used your wish yesterday.”
16. The Lost Wallet:
A man loses his wallet and starts panicking. He retraces his steps and looks everywhere but can’t find it. Finally, he gives up and goes home. Walking in the door, he finds his wallet on the kitchen table. He looks inside and sees a note that says, “Thanks for the loan. I’ll pay you back soon.”
17. The Birthday Present:
A man buys his wife a beautiful diamond necklace for her birthday. She’s thrilled and starts crying tears of joy. He asks, “Why are you crying?” She responds, “I’m just imagining how many shoes I could have bought with this money.”
18. The Caffeine Addict:
A woman walks into a coffee shop and orders a double espresso. The barista asks, “Are you sure you want a double? It’s solid.” The woman responds, “I’m a caffeine addict. I need it to function.” The barista hands her the coffee, and she takes a sip. Suddenly, she starts shaking, and her eyes widen. She exclaims, “This is amazing! I can see sounds!”
19. The Lost Glasses:
A man is looking for his glasses and asks his wife, “Have you seen my glasses?” She responds, “No, have you seen my phone?” He replies, “No, I can’t find my glasses.” She says, “Well, you can see my phone if you find your glasses.”
20. The Bad Golfer:
A man is playing golf with his friends and keeps missing every shot. He becomes frustrated and throws his club. One of his friends asks, “Why are you so angry? It’s just a game.” The man responds, “I know, but I hate losing myself.”
21. The Talking Clock:
A man walks into a store and sees a clock that talks. He’s intrigued and asks the store owner, “How does this clock work?” The store owner replies, “Just say the time, and it will tell you.” The man says, “5:30,” and the clock responds, “At the tone, the time will be 5:30.” The man is impressed and buys the clock. He takes it home and says, “6:00,” and the clock responds, “You’re late!”
22. The G.P.S.:
A woman is driving with her G.P.S. and misses her turn. The G.P.S. says, “Recalculating.” The woman responds, “Don’t get snippy with me. You’re the one who told me to take this route.”
23. The Supermarket:
A man is shopping in a supermarket and sees a sign that says, “Lobster tails $5 each.” He can’t believe his luck and buys ten of them. As he’s walking out of the store, he sees a woman holding a sign that says, “Lobster tails $10 each.” He approaches her and says, “Excuse me, but I bought ten lobster tails for $5 each.” The woman responds, “Well, that’s not my fault. I only set up the tables.”
24. The Sleeping Pill:
A woman takes a sleeping pill and falls asleep. She wakes up in the morning feeling refreshed and energized. She asks her husband, “Did you sleep well?” He responds, “I don’t know; I was too busy watching you sleep.”
25. The Restaurant:
A man walks into a restaurant and sees a sign that says, “We serve breakfast at any time.” He orders pancakes during dinner, and the waiter responds, “I’m sorry, sir, we don’t serve breakfast after 11 am.” The man points to the sign and says, “But it says you serve breakfast at any time.” The waiter responds, “Yes, but not all simultaneously.”
26. The Birthday Cake:
A man buys a birthday cake for his wife and asks the baker to write “Happy Birthday, Angela” on it. The baker asks, “Is Angela your wife’s name?” The man responds, “No, that’s her name on Facebook. Her real name is Jennifer.”
27. The Train Journey:
A man is on a train journey and starts talking to the woman beside him. He asks, “Where are you going?” She responds, “To the same place as you.” He asks, “What a coincidence! What do you do?” She responds, “I’m a psychic.” The man says, “Really? Prove it.” She looks at him and says, “You’ll get off at the next stop.” The man responds, “Wow, that’s amazing! How did you know?” She says, “I’ve been sitting next to you for the past two hours, and you keep looking at your watch.”
28. The Broken Car:
A man’s car breaks down on the side of the road. He tries to fix it but can’t figure out what’s wrong. A woman stops and asks, “Do you need any help?” He responds, “Yes, I think the engine is broken.” The woman opens the hood and looks inside. She says, “Oh, I see what’s wrong. You’ve lost your engine.”
29. The Haircut:
Like George Clooney, a man goes to a hair salon and asks the hairdresser to cut his hair. The hairdresser responds, “Sure, do you have a picture?” The man pulls out his wallet and shows her a picture of George Washington.
30. The Fisherman:
A man is fishing in a lake and catches a small fish. He throws it back in the water and says, “Go and grow up, so I can catch you again.” The fish responds, “I’m not that stupid.”
31. The Mailbox:
A woman walks up to her mailbox and sees a letter from the I.R.S. She opens it and reads, “We have received your tax return, and it’s been processed. However, we cannot find evidence that you paid your taxes.” She responds, “That’s funny because I remember writing a check to the I.R.S.” She looks at the check and realizes she wrote it to the I.R.S. – her cat’s name.
32. The Hotel Room:
A man walks into a hotel and asks the receptionist for a room. The receptionist asks, “Do you have a reservation?” The man responds, “No, but I have a lot of confidence.”
33. The Job Interview:
A man goes for a job interview, and the interviewer asks, “What’s your biggest weakness?” The man responds, “I’m too honest.” The interviewer says, “I don’t think honesty is a weakness.” The man responds, “I don’t give a damn what you think.”
34. The Chocolate:
A man gives his wife a box of chocolates and says, “I bought these for you because you’re the sweetest thing in my life.” She opens the box and responds, “These are the same chocolates I bought you for your birthday last year.” The man responds, “See? I knew they were sweet.”
35. The Lost Dog:
A woman sees a sign that says, “Lost dog. Answers to the name Lucky.” She goes up to the owner and asks, “Why did you name him Lucky?” The owner responds, “Because when I told my wife I wanted to get a dog, she said I was lucky I didn’t get a cat.”
