1. What do you call a fake noodle? An impasto.
2. Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two-tired.
3. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire? Frostbite.
4. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
5. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.
6. What do you call a sheep that is always quiet? A ewe-nique.
7. Why was the math book sad? Because it had too many problems.
8. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.
9.What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a swimming pool? Bob.
10. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark? Frostbite.
11. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
12. What do you call a snake that works for the government? A civil serpent.
13. What did one hat say to the other? You stay here; I’ll go on ahead.
14. Why don’t oysters share their pearls? Because they’re shellfish.
15. What do you call a group of cows that are playing instruments? A moo-social.
16. What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman.
17. What do you call a fish wearing a Bowie? Sophisticated.
18. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a baker? Frosting.
19. What do you call a dinosaur that is sleeping? A in-store.
20. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.
21. What do you call an alligator in a vest?
22. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it felt crummy.
23. Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have tiny antibodies.
24. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
25. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
26. Why did the baker go to therapy? Because he kneaded to work on his emotional yeast.
27. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
28. Why was the broom late? It swept in.
29. What do you call a dog magician? A Labracadabrador.
30. Why do bees have damp hair? Because they use honeycombs.
31. What do you call a pile of cats? A mountain.
32. Why did the man run around his bed? Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep.
33. What do you call a belt made of watches? A waste of time.
34. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vegetable? Frost-peas.
35. Why did the man put his money in the freezer? He wanted cold, hard cash.
36. 36. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator.
37. What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
38. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a hole? Phil.
39. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they are lactose.
40. Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus.
41. Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because it wasn’t peeling well.
42. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? Because they’d crack each other up.
43. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
44. What do you call an alligator wearing a vest? An investigator.
45. What do you call a group of cows playing instruments? A moo-social.
46. What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick.
47. Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded to work on his emotional yeast.
48. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
49. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
50. What did one toilet say to the other toilet? You look flushed.
51. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
52. Why did the man throw the butter out the window? He wanted to see a butterfly.
53. Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He had drank his coffee before, it was fantastic.
54. What do you call a group of sheep singing Christmas carols? A unique choir.
55. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her students were so bright.
56. Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken.
57. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? It felt crummy.
58. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
59. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
60. Why did the coffee file a police report? Because it got mugged.
61. Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way.
62. I’m reading a book about antigravity. It’s impossible to put down.
63. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasto.
64. I told my wife she was getting too fat. “I’m pregnant,” she said. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I replied. “What are you pregnant with?”
65. Why did the math book look so sad? Because it had too many problems.
66. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
67. Did you hear about the kidnapping at the park? They woke up.
68. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to the idiot’s house. Knock. Who’s there? The chicken.
69. Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumbly.
70. Why did the teacher wear sunglasses? Because her class was so bright.
71. What do you call a fish that wears a Bowie? Sophisticated.
72. Why did the chicken go to the seance? To talk to the other side.
73. Why did the gum cross the road? It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
74. Why did the grape stop in the middle of the road? Because it ran out of juice.
75. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells.
